


Wheatley in a Wheat Field

by Niqi



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 04:01:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1764713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niqi/pseuds/Niqi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All-dialog. Wheatley being himself after he crashes back to Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wheatley in a Wheat Field

This is a right fix I've gotten myself into, isn't it? Facing the ground again. Needing to be picked up. Oh, this brings back memories, I tell ya. But, nobody around to pick me up this time. And I suppose there wasn’t quite as much dirt last time.

Crashed into a wheat field, of all things. Wheat field, Wheatley. It's... 'ironic,' is that the word?

Suppose it could've been worse. Could've crashed into an ocean. Or - or burned up in the atmosphere! Or shattered into a million pieces when I hit the ground. Ah. Okay, I'm going to stop thinking up possible scenarios before they get even more horrible.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I'm alive. And I'm happy, maybe even more so, that I don't have to listen to that bloody Space Sphere anymore. Honestly, he never let me enjoy one millisecond of blessed silence! I guess it's really _really_ important for him to say 'space' for the fifteen billionth time.

But I _am_ getting, ah, somewhat bored, if I'm honest.

Oh! A thought's just occurred to me! What if you _are_ there and I can’t see you? HELLO! C-could you pick me up, please? Despite…you know…certain events in the past? I am sorry, by the way. Very sorry. I was monstrous, and bossy, and this apology sounded much better in my head. You’re not even hearing this, are you? Because you aren’t there. Abandoning me, again.

I d- I didn’t mean that! I’m sorry! I’m sorry about everything! Come back, please!

Please just pick me up! I am literally and totally helpless without you.

It sure would be nice to get picked up! Perhaps by a former test subject who was once called a fatty-fatty no-parents in a moment of very poor judgment! That would be the ideal person to get picked up by.

-

Not quite the circumstances I imagined, to be honest.

-

-

AAH! What's that?! Wait, no! No no don’t go! Come back please!

You came back! Thank you! I'll never forget this. I owe you one, mate. Who's there, anyway?

Fluttering. I hear fluttering. A bird! Brilliant. Just get a good grip with your talons, yeah? and pick me up.

Alright, let’s go.

Oh, you probably don’t speak English, do you? Probably speak…avian. Or something of the sort.

Caw! Caw!

Cheep! Cheep!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Chick-a-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee!

Hoot! Hoot!

No no don’t go! Don’t go!

I know what I forgot! Chirp! Chirp! Come back! CHIRP!

Not even gonna respond. Thanks, mate. My one chance at getting out of this field and you leave me. Fly off, leaving poor legless Wheatley to fend for himself. When he can’t. Because he's legless.

Oh no, don’t come back! It’s not like I DON’T HAVE LEGS! Well you know what? You’re adopted!

I didn’t mean that! Again, saying things I don’t mean! I’m sorry. Just forget about the stupid unimportant things stupid old unimportant Wheatley says when he’s not thinking. Which is always. You were right, I am a moron.

I’m not even talking to the bird anymore, am I?

You know what? If I scream long enough, I bet someone’ll hear me and come pick me up. Brilliant.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh, gotta catch my breath. Okay. Okay.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh, that’s tiring.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH – you know what just occurred to me? I don’t have to breathe. I’m a bloody robot.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH – you know what occurred to me just now, different from the last thing that occurred to me? I might be scaring off anyone able to pick me up with all this screaming.

Maybe I can roll myself somewhere.

No. Turns out that is not a thing I can do.

-

-

Bugger.


End file.
